The Arkham Asylum Gazette

THE PILLSBURY HO BOY

2011-02-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

Lousy Commuting

2010-12-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, I left the apartment at 7:47 am. About two minutes too late to make my usual bus to Friendship Heights metro station.
No worries, the bus after my usual arrives at 8:01. This wasn’t the first time I snoozed one too many times. You would think waking up earlier gets easier, but according to my records, the difference is marginal.
Another testament of Murphy’s Law for the history books, kids. The next bus didn’t come until 8:16. Double the fun: it was a midget bus. Pardon me, a little person bus. On a day when I would have been comfortable the entire trip, my face was smooshed against the back door window. Nothing to fret over, the ride is only seven minutes long.
I sprinted down the escalator as I do every morning. You can’t trust the screens at the bottom that say you have three minutes until your train arrives, because the system is sporadically slow. It seems that only happens on the days I trust it, but I may be going crazy. Commuting can quickly do that to a person.
I got a seat! I was sucked into my book when I noticed the train stopped. Must have been part of Metro’s legendary “improvement strategy” for the abysmal red line. I got off, smooshed again, smelled an obese man’s back sweat. He had a delicate left earring, a loose fitting navy blue shirt, and the most peculiar chinstrap facial hair I’ve seen since last shopping at the Staten Island Mall. His odor indicated he ate onions, garbage, and Axe body spray for breakfast.
This was the first time I was late for work yet I did everything right. Not a great start to that day.
Nonetheless, this was all in the past! Today was a new day. No need to dwell on one lousy commute. I wasn’t about to forget about it entirely, though. That part right there, the part about me not forgetting: that brings me to right about five minutes ago. As always, an old person who still doesn’t understand how to dismount an escalator blocked my path when I needed to transfer to the red line towards home. Looking over my shoulder on the escalator at Metro Center, I saw the train to Shady Grove just open its doors.
I actually muttered “Fuck This” as I jumped over the escalator handrail in my desperate attempt for a speedy transfer. Then again, my headphones were blaring at an impressive volume so it could have been more than a mutter. It was by no means a straight shot between the escalator and the train: it was a goddamn mine field. I dodged, I weaved, I juked, but I never took my eyes off the open doors. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t trample someone, but I made it through my dash without taking down any bystanders. About 15 feet away, I heard that ding-dong-ding-dong just before that soul-less bitch says “Step back, Doors Closing.” About 11 feet back I saw the doors start to close and with 10 feet between myself and the train, remembering the bitch of a commute from the day before and the dinner my girlfriend had waiting for me, I decided to go for it. I narrowed my body, put my arms forward, and leapt with all my might. I felt the doors slightly clamp my arms, but the momentum I accumulated managed to push the rest of my body through. I made it! That was my thought for about half a second before I felt myself get yanked back the way you abruptly tug a dog’s leash when he has bad intentions. I’m pretty sure I made that same helpless wail a pup often does in that situation. In lesser words: it was quite a jolt.
Immediately I knew what happened. The doors closed at the perfect moment to prevent my backpack’s entry. My body made the leap relatively unscathed, but all of my belongings were on the other side.
Every person with a clear view of me stared wide-eyed. Some laughed and I joined in. What else was I supposed to do? I was calm; I knew the operator would be able to tell there was a remaining set of doors ajar. I expected to hear a repeat of “Step Back. Doors Closing.” I was just glad to make the train. No 18 minute off-peak bullshit wait for me, thank you.
Then, I stopped laughing. Something wasn’t right. The train was moving! No doubt about it, it was in motion. All at once my mind asked a series of horrifying questions: What’s going to happen to my stuff? I’ve got some important things in there. Am I going to screw up this ride for everyone else on the train? Can my bag fit between the train and the tunnel? Holy shit, what’s going to happen to ME?
I snapped out of it when I saw two men jump to their feet in order to assist me. Finally realizing the urgency of the situation, I jammed my right foot between the two doors, and I turned it to give my body the necessary slack. Once I was able to rotate my torso just enough to get my hands on the doors, I shoved them open and flung myself forward. After a few tugs, my bag came through and I nearly fell into the opposite set of doors. Some passengers sighed in relief, some laughed, and others had a stern disapproval in their eyes.
I quickly sat down next to a woman who had her mouth agape in shock. A few seconds of catching my breath rolled by when I realized everyone else was still staring at me too. I had only spoken prior to that moment to thank the men who tried to help me so I felt compelled to say something while still the center of attention. Between deep inhales I managed to squeak out “I really wanted to catch this train.” Apparently that’s what everyone was waiting for because the car filled with a hearty laughter. I smiled and finally caught my breath. The woman next to me then leaned forward and muttered, “You shouldn’t do that. You nearly gave me a heart attack!”
“Sorry, lady.” I responded. “But I’d do it again to avoid another lousy commute.”

REVENGE PREGNANCY!

2010-08-05T19:46:00.001-07:00

This is one of those images that sits in your mind and is better off sailing around the ocean that is your imagination. It's so absurd, so outrageous, that it benefits you to not pick up the trashy tabloid and educate yourself on exactly why Angelina decided to fill her uterus with a "let's get even baby." Those little infants are always the cutest. There's something about vengeance that really gives a newborn child the best qualities.
What would even make a magazine get the idea that Angelina Jolie is having a child strictly for the purpose of revenge? How do the investigator and writer of this story sleep at night? I can only imagine the twisted circumstances if this headline was actually accurate. Did Brad leave the milk out one too many times? Maybe he told her she's getting fat.
I like to hope that no one would have a baby strictly for the purpose of settling the score with someone, but I guess people have done more fucked up things than that. In the end if someone gets a life out of it, maybe it's not such a bad thing that some people who get screwed over start popping out retribution babies. There's no way they can possibly be more cynical than Generation Y.
Aren't all our parents victims of revenge pregnancy? They hate life, their parents, their jobs...so they want to get back at all those things by bringing someone into a newfound miserable existence maybe to distract themselves for a while. ......Hahahahaha that was terribly morbid and I don't actually believe it. However, if I had a few strands of super long pink emo hair, I'd totally toss it back at this moment. Maybe chain smoke a cigarette or two.
If you're considering how to deliver payback unto someone who has wronged you, please do something traditional and practical like cutting their brake lines or slipping the person a roofie. Even a stabbing is more reasonable.

Apparently, it's too late for me to reach Mrs. Jolie (-Pitt?)...well, I hope that Angelina decided to deliver this child in a meat locker, because a Revenge Baby is a dish best served cold.

Gay Cat Pride?

2010-07-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

So I was walking on Wisconsin Ave NW the other day, and something truly absurd caught my eye. Sure, I was in a rush, it was 100 degrees outside, and I was already sweaty on the way to a job interview, but something this uniquely bizarre only comes around every so often.
Before I tell you what it was (and pretend you didn't already see it), try for a second to understand gay pride. Is it justified? Absolutely. Homosexuals have gone through a lot of adversity and I think they deserve as many parades as they want. Their unanimous pride is a strong bond. Is it genuine? I think so. Just as any group that has faced hard times, this demographic is proud to have made it so far and acknowledge that a strong union is essential to making further progress. Is it really weird and confusing? Sometimes. And I'm not talking about Katy Perry's experiments with chapstick or Lady Gaga doing...the thing where she...sorry for the struggle, but I don't think there's been a word developed to accurately describe Lady Gaga. Check back in a few years. Anyway, back to the "weird and confusing" kind...
On this typical scorching and humid summer day in the nation's capital, I saw a cat-shaped gay pride bumper sticker. It was the well known gay pride rainbow...in bumper sticker form...in the shape of a common household feline. Under this wonderful symbol read the typical kitty one liner "meow." .................Awesome.
Luckily I captured this moment on my awful flip camera phone to share with you all. After viewing the CAT-astrophe (roll your eyes at that all you want, but I had to), I thought of all the possibilities.
1. The car owner loves cats and happens to be gay.
2. The car owner owns a gay cat.
3. The car owner IS a gay cat.
4. The car owner was a gay cat in a past lifetime and wants to remind every driver on the road that tracing reincarnation can be so accurate at times that the sexual orientation of our prior existences can be deciphered and that we should be damn proud of it.
5. The car is a "Safe Space" for gay cats everywhere.
6. The car owner owns a rare species of refracted-light cat.
7. The car owner simply loves cats a whole lot and loves rainbows a nearly equivalent amount and had no idea that a rainbow sticker in cat form would confound drivers everywhere and perhaps even attract a few cat-crazed homosexuals or homosexual cats. Depending on how smart that gay cat is. Then again, a gay cat smart enough to crack the code of the feline shaped gay pride sticker most likely has enough intelligence to avoid the crazy owner of such a bumper decal.

Of course after thinking about these scenarios I pondered the process of manufacturing gay cat stickers, selling them, branding them, pitching them, etc...but I'll spare you those hypotheses.
Above you will find the photographic evidence. Why do you think this strange image was affixed to an SUV? Better yet, was it YOUR car?

How I Got My Tattoo

2010-07-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

After being picked up from the party, we headed for the tattoo parlor. Approaching every traffic light, I secretly hoped it would turn red to give me time to think. I held the piece of paper to the window in an attempt to catch light from the street lamps. The objects of my attention were six small pictures. Six options. Six permanent brandings to choose from.
While each represented something meaningful, none of them jumped out at me as I hoped one would. The longer I stared the greater I doubted my decision to get a tattoo.
There were three different Batman symbols on the page. The first was the long traditional Batman symbol in the yellow oval. I had also chosen a rare take on the symbol that I really liked from the Dark Knight graphic novel series. Lastly was the newer Batman symbol from the latest movies. I grew up loving everything about Batman and spent many hours in many makeshift Batcaves pretending to be the caped crusader. Not only did this choice represent my most cherished childhood memories and one of my last relevant links to childhood, but it would serve as a reminder of the bonding my father and I shared for the world of comics.
The fourth image was a piece from the game of RISK. Just before my grandfather died, he bought the board game to play with my cousin and me. We only played once before we buried him with a horse piece in his casket. We chose the horse because he loved stallions so much. Obvious emotional ties there. Plus, in my opinion, that tattoo would be a less chiche tribute to a dead relative than a cross.
The fifth was an Irish clover with the Italian flag pattern within. I’m Irish, I’m Italian. Simple enough.
The sixth was the graffiti tag “El Barto” from The Simpsons. Aside from being my favorite series ever, the show inspired me to go into comedy.
All good and bad choices at the same time. After a party, it was hard enough to focus.
As we pulled up, I turned to my girlfriend at the time and told her I changed my mind. I simply wasn’t ready to get a tattoo. We were supposed to get them together, so she asked if I wouldn’t mind waiting as she got hers.
We strolled in below the neon sign of Island Tattoo, and I felt relieved that I wasn’t about to make a huge mistake.
I sat in the waiting room as my girlfriend discussed her ink-inspirations and I glanced around the room at all the strange tattoos around me. I remember one guy had a sheep pointing a gun at a man holding a pair of shears. I didn’t realize I was sitting with my tattoo sheet unfolded and a man spied my choices.
“Sick tats, man. You gonna get all of them?”
“Huh? Oh…no. I don’t think I’ll be getting a tattoo tonight. These were my what I narrowed my options to, though.”
My sheet in his hands, he continued the conversation without looking away from it. “What’s the matter? Can’t decide on just one?”
“No, actually…” I trailed off. What a terrible time for my machismo to kick in. Afraid to admit I chickened out, I spit out the sentence that would serve as the inciting incident for my first tattoo. “I came here all stoked to get one of these, but the place is closing soon. I’ll just have to come back another time.”
“Yo, dude. I’m an artist here. Let me clock back in, start up my station, and we’ll get you ink’d up!”
“Oh, no. Please, I really don’t mind coming back.”
“Nonsense. I love my job, bro! It’s time to take that V-card!”
As I heard the stamping of what sounded like a shift clock, I searched my mind in desperation for a good excuse.
“Yeah, but I really can’t choose one!”
Alright, well let’s talk about this. You want my honest opinion? I think this Batman tat would be SICK. Best superhero ever.”
I felt my guard drop a notch. “Really? You think it would be cool?”
“Hell yeah, man. Everybody loves the Dark Knight. So where do you wanna get it?” he asked as he took the paper into the back room.
As if I were possessed, I felt myself say “right shoulder, on the back.”
“Sweet. Great spot. I’ll be right back. Why don’t you sit up on that chair right there?”
Shirtless on the leather seat, I felt a wave of fear overtaking me. Was I really about to do this?
The artist was back sooner than expected. “Hey the machine is almost done rendering the picture. Excited?”
“Actually, I’m not so sure about this.”
His expression went from thrilled to despondent. “Dude, really? I’m clocked in, the machine’s going, my station’s set up. I’m all excited to give you this badass ink! You really gonna back out now?”
This guy was the most manipulative tattoo artist I’ve ever met. Then again, I hadn’t met many. “Alright, let’s do it.”
“That’s the spirit! Let me go wash up.” I took a few deep breaths and looked up to see a very large figure in the doorway. Captain Guilt Trip was looking over his shoulder. “Hey my man, it turns out I actually gotta run. But my buddy Pete here is gonna take real good care of you. He owns the place. Good luck! I’ll do your next tattoo for sure.”
The man who singlehandedly peer pressured me into getting a tattoo wasn’t even going to stick around and finish the deed. Pete was a big man with a silvery ponytail. He had tattoo artist written all over him. Right down to the red and white bandana. The only thing that didn’t fit was his soft, friendly voice. “Hey dude, I’m Pete. You sure you don’t want me to make this thing bigger?”
“No! That’ll be fine, Pete.” A little late to prove myself impervious to peer pressure.
As the machine started up, I accepted that my fate was sealed. I had actually been guilted into getting a tattoo.
“Babe, what are you doing?” Maybe not all was lost! I had actually forgotten my girlfriend was there and now she arrived to save the day. “So you decided to get a tattoo after all?”
“Sort of…” I tried my hardest to send an S.O.S. with my eyes. My heart sank as I watched her confusion turn into delight.
“Great! Which one are you getting?” Pete showed her as he dipped his needle into black ink. “I love that one! It’s gonna look so hot. I’ll be in the next room getting ready for mine. I want the heart with musical note through it!”
The moment Pete touched the needle to my shoulder blade, every bone in my body rumbled in what felt like rebellion. Somehow the pain was more and less intense than I had anticipated.
A few minutes of daydreaming passed by when it was interrupted by Pete telling a customer about a growth that had developed near his groin.
“It’s terribly painful. Roughly the size of a grapefruit. I have to go get the sucker drained tomorrow.”
That lovely thought paired with the sight of a paper towel soaked in my blood tossed into a biohazard container made me a bit queasy. Needless to say I was eager to leave.
When he finished up, I handed over the $50 and offered a twenty buck tip.
“Hey, what are you? In college? Thanks, but you need that. Take care, kid. Come back any time for a free touch up.”
I thought to myself “Thanks, do you do free removals?” While I sincerely appreciated his generosity, I would have preferred the no pressure approach about an hour earlier. I found my girlfriend smiling in the waiting room.
“Hey! How do you feel?”
I shrugged.
“Well I’ve got mine all figured out but I can’t get it done until tomorrow.”
A feeling of dread came over me. I got what she came to get. Maybe I should have gone in with my heart set on getting a tattoo…
She grabbed my hand as we headed for the door. I held the door and passed under that neon sign 50 dollars poorer and forever branded a comic book geek.
Somehow, I don’t think Bruce Wayne’s decision to become Batman was the result of peer pressure.

My Drive Thru Bride

2010-06-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

It’s ten minutes until my shift is over and I need to get this hat off. Beats me what these doofy hats are made of but it constantly feels like there are ants frantically crawling all over my head. As you can imagine, that sensation for a consecutive six hours is enough to drive any man insane.
The hat is my least favorite part of the job, but working the drive thru is a close second place. Everything about the drive thru sucks: the yelling in your ear, every driver’s inability to pull up close enough to the drive thru window, the impatience of snooty customer who is too lazy to get out of the car, listening to the one sided cell phone conversations, the irate customers stomping back after a mistake in the order.
The awkward distance between the window and the incompetent drivers was becoming a serious problem for me. I took it upon myself to rig up a device to give the fools their precious change back. That was back when I was a server. When the manager of this McDonald’s caught wind of my “brilliant invention” (wiffleball bat + ash tray) he promoted me to assistant server co-manager. For some reason my flashy new title wasn’t enough to impress my girlfriend so I’ll be flying solo for a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll meet my new wife as she weasels her way out of cooking dinner. It is this thought that makes drive thru duty barely a notch above the hat-wear discomfort. Then again, you don’t find many Buffy the Vampire Slayer types with an appreciation for art shuffling through a McDonald’s drive thru.
Eight minutes left until my shift is over. I am currently staring at one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen. 90 seconds ago (I know this because the registers keep track of how rapidly we feed you your greasy McCardiac arrest burgers and French Dies) a man walked in sobbing loudly. His shirt has a picture of Yoda on it and he’s wearing an American Idol hat. Bizzare. Anyway, without even trying to compose himself, he ordered five McFish Killets. Oh yeah, and a Diet Coke. He is currently sitting in a booth, sobbing, cramming “food” into his mouth, while listening to Goo-Goo Dolls on a tiny set of speakers. I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to talk to this strange customer.
When I neared his table, he instinctively protected his remaining 3.5 McFish Killets before asking me: “Can I help you?”
“Hello, sir. I noticed you seem sad. Has your food been prepared to your liking?”
“Oh…yes, the food is fine.”
“Then what’s bothering you?”
“I just watched the LOST season finale. It was terrible. I practically worship JJ Abrams, I bought every season on DVD, and I consider Hurley to be my personal hero. And after the finale, I wish I never started watching it.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”
“I just wanted some answers!” he yelled as a piece of fishy “goodness” escaped mouth. “Don’t I deserve some answers?? Something…anything!”
“Sometimes you don’t get what you want. Not everything is as simple as asking questions and getting answers. You have to appreciate the journey.”
I don’t know where that came from but I think it made sense. It was enough to make my new hefty friend pause his sob session. Wait, he just started again.
“I’ve wasted six years of my life!” he cried as he buried his face in his greasy hands.
“That’s not true. Considering how many episodes there have been, you only wasted five DAYS of your life.”
“I’ve seen every episode three times, plus commentary.”
“Ok, so it’s more like twenty days. But if you decide not to eat those last two sandwiches I guarantee you’ll get them right back! Besides, at least you still have American Idol.”
“But Paula’s gone and it won’t be the same without Simon!”
As he collapses and resumes wailing, my boss calls me over.
“You know I hate to ask, but Stella just had to bail from her shift due to a family emergency. Can you stay here for an extra three hours? I’ll pay you double.”
Although I was anxiously counting down the final minutes of my shift, I could use the money. Also, this has already shaped up to be an interesting evening. The night shift is usually pretty tame, and maybe this will be the night my future wife stops by for one of our new Frappes. Realizing I’ve been thinking this over for a good twenty seconds now, I give my answer.
“Ok. But only if I can take off the hat.”

The Floating Ones

2010-06-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

Once I was taken out of the box at Party City, the elders imparted their knowledge, divulging our purpose. We are known as “the floating ones.” Humans call us “balloons.” To these creatures bound forever to the earth, we easily catch their attention as we hover. Being so unique, our purpose is to send important messages to those who receive us.
My best friend "Get Well Soon!" told me a chilling tale of a "Happy Birthday!" bursting at the hands of carelessness. One of the air makers left "Happy Birthday!" to take in too much helium from the tank as he flirted with a large chested woman at the counter. Being denied the typical ceremonial rights, "Happy Birthday!" was thoughtlessly tossed away like an ordinary piece of ribbon. The elders confirmed this story when I asked them about it but they swore me to secrecy at the risk of scaring others.
You can be sure I was frightened when I was finally chosen to carry out my destiny. Luckily, there was no large chested woman to distract my air maker, but my luck was short lived. The air maker tied a string at my bottom to keep the air in, and I was afloat at last. The feeling was exhilarating. Floating felt even better than the legends hade made it seem to be.
My new owner muttered something about a graduation party, and we exited the Party City. It was my first time seeing the outside world. The excitement of my surroundings paired with with the heavenly sensation of being airborne distracted me from the thought that I never had a chance to say goodbye. I hardly considered the fact that I’d never see "Get Well Soon!" again. The wind at my back blew all my worries away shortly thereafter.
However, my ecstasy distracted me from realizing I was no longer in a parking lot. A few seconds earlier I heard my owner grunt an expression I had only heard once before when a hefty fellow was outraged to discover Party City didn’t carry a balloon with the message “Nice Rack.” I still don’t get it.
If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say it has been a minute now since my owner dropped her keys and inadvertently released me. Since then I’ve ascended rapidly and seen amazing things. I’ve seen animals that appear to live in the sky. Even the elders are unaware of any beings capable of soaring above the earth.
While these were truly a miraculous sight, I’m currently staring at a larger, much louder flying object. In fact, I can see several of them. I can’t tell if they are alive or not. They’re fast, and they’re definitely floating. Then again…both of these flying objects are different than I. They aren’t quite floating, they possess movement along every plain. While we floating ones can only soar upward, they can make direct paths for themselves. I must admit that I’m quite envious of such liberty. If the elders and other floating ones could see what I’m witnessing now.
I’m rising more quickly now. I don’t feel quite right. As if they very air inside me is increasing. I fear that my end is near and I never even got to fulfill my destiny. Someone out there is waiting for me to say Congratulations! That isn’t so important now. Seeing everything I’ve seen, I have to share my experiences with the elders. I have to get out there and tell them—POP.

Internships

2009-07-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Internship Interview Thank You Notes

If you’ve ever interviewed for a job in your professional career, chances are someone who has conducted your interview doesn’t even remember who you are. You are much more likely to remember them, and can you even think of every person who has ever interviewed you for a position? These HR reps have the daunting task of interviewing hundreds of people. During an active hiring period, they conduct multiple interviews every single day. It must be difficult to think back and remember intimate details about every single applicant. Standing out is the only chance you’ve got at getting the job you’re gunning for. There are many creative ways to accomplish this, but let’s not forget the tried and true method of sending a thank you note to your interviewer.

Sending a thank you note for something that was part of their job may seem unnecessary, but it’s always a good idea to grease the wheels a bit. Perhaps you won’t blow them away with your courtesy, but sending an honest thank you card to your interviewer can definitely jog their memory as to who you are and show them that you’re appreciative. Sending a thank you card in this situation is a perfect balance between being a sycophant and being too nonchalant. It won’t be the deal breaker in terms of getting the position, but it very well might bump you up a few spots. Additionally, you will assuredly get a quick response from the company, and they are more likely to consider you for the next job opening if you didn’t land this one. You should never hesitate to send one after your big interview. Just be sure you spell the name of the recipient correctly!

What Students Look For In a Summer Internship Program

Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but it seems that just about every student is looking for the same basic things in a summer internship: experience, babes, and good references. Ok, maybe not babes…but the other two are still relevant. No one wants an internship that won’t be pertinent to the career path they choose after graduation. While it is good to intern at many different places in various fields of work to figure out which is for you, at the end of every internship, it always feels a lot better when you feel like you’ve advanced your career. In order to increase your odds of landing that perfect internship, be sure to maintain contact with employees in the company you’re applying to. Just ask them simple questions about what it’s like to work for the organization in order to express your interest. When application time rolls around, it will be nice to already have a reference from within.

You should be careful about revealing your availability when applying for a summer internship. If you tell a firm that you’re available five days a week, you better be willing to work those 40 hour weeks. Companies know what the demand is like for internships in the summer, and want to get as much labor out of you as they possibly can. Try to find out as early in the application process as possible whether or not you are going for a paid position. It can be tough to find a paid summer internship, but if it’s what you really want, stick with it. They’re tough to find, but they are certainly out there. It will be worth the extra effort to land a paid position if and when you’re receiving weekly paychecks.

Links

2009-07-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

Here are some helpful links for anyone looking for summer and fall internships:

how-i-got-my-internship.com
thedailyintern.com
marketing-internship.com

internship-work.com
internship-interview.com
new-york-internship.com
chicago-internship.com
washington-dc-internship.com
advertising-internship.com
internship-cover-letter.com
internship-students.com
internship-resumes.com
design-internships.com
investment-banking-internships.com
pr-internships.com
summer-internship-program.com

Like Surveys?

2009-06-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

Try this quick one on for size:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=H_2fx4OB9QHG1v9CaC0r4Dww_3d_3d

Interesting Stuff

2009-06-22T09:05:00.001-07:00

Just some things to check out. Sorry nothing terribly news-breaking, but these are worth looking at:

http://groupereye.com/blog/thought-provoking-internship-cover-letter/

http://groupereye.com/blog/internship-cover-letter-dont-do-this/comment-page-1/#comment-1798

http://groupereye.com/blog/internship-cover-letter/

Check it out.

GrouperEye Membership

2009-06-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

At GrouperEye, we are all very confident in the product we are offering. Both on the employer side and the college student side. One thing we have been learning is that it's hard to sell something solely based on the faith and enthusiasm we hold for our own product.

If we had a great amount of students signed up right off the bat, the job of finding employers would practically be done for us. If students went to the website and saw a list of hundreds of employers they're dying to work for, their membership would follow suit. I guess it's a good thing that these aren't automatic, because then I wouldn't be needed, but at the same time it would be convenient if some perfect solution fell from the sky. None of us are afraid of a little hard work; we all knew what we were getting ourselves into. This doesn't change the fact that it's going to take a lot of ingenuity and brainstorming to find the key element in getting as many members on board as possible.

If you are reading this, please check out the website, and tell me what you would do differently. Help us help you enjoy an easier job application process that allows you to stand out in the crowd. What would it take to get you to sign up for a membership? Employers, what are you looking for? As I said, we are all dedicated to the service we offer and truly believe in it. We just need a means of getting others to see it. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, but as always, I'm open to any suggestions. Credit will certainly be given where credit is due.

http://www.groupereye.com/launchprogram/

Let's help each other out.

Peter Schiff stole my thoughts

2009-06-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

Well...not really. However, we've had similar views for a long time. The guy's a genius and had the courage to stand up to all the other economic "professionals" because he ultimately knew that something wasn't right. A lot of people STILL disagree with him, and don't get me wrong, it's a difficult pill to swallow, but he was right about a lot of things, and you really can't argue with the fact that everyone else was wrong about the indefinite stability of our economy.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=230053

They spoiled us with endless sub-prime mortgages, which led to "shocking" defaults on loans by the dozen, and the thing that really makes me angry: BAILOUTS. Now don't get me wrong, I think Obama truly wants what is best for most of the people in this country. A lot of what he's done in these months will ultimately make our suffering less painful than it could have been. However, bailouts don't help ANYONE. If a business isn't financially sound, that's their problem. Let it go bankrupt, and accept all those people losing their jobs. LET ME FINISH: Then the smart and talented individuals who are experienced in that company, those who were ignored for so long, can rise to the top. They can either bring the firm out of bankruptcy, or start a new business with carefully monitored guidelines. That's how capitalism works. That's the ONLY way it works, and it would be foolish to stray away from it now. The United States government is like those parents who never scold their children for fear of having their kids cry in public. When a child (business) does something wrong (allows their accountants to smoke crack in the mailroom), that child needs to be reprimanded or he/she will end up sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's bed for the next 50 years (want bailout money every time they suck at keeping business afloat). Believe me, I am aware of the fact that some bailouts were out of our control. Essentially, the government was contractually obligated to make up for lost assets on some firms, or the economy would have collapsed to a point where it would have been near impossible to regain our bearings. Bailing out companies who have been putting out the same shoddy cars for the last twenty years? Now that's asinine. All these companies got lazy, and figured they could get by producing the same thing over and over without bothering to do any significant research. If they were smart, they would have introduced new energy efficient technologies in increments over the next ten years to maintain a steady demand, but apparently research and development has been on vacation for the last two decades. If we just let them fail, everyone would have benefited. More tax dollars to go elsewhere (our broken roads or even our pockets, perhaps?), the employees would have benefited by leaving the company to join a more steady organization that would rise from the ashes of the failed auto industry, and us consumers would benefit from the exponential increase in competition that would result from new transportation production companies. I say transportation instead of automobile because who knows if another far superior vehicle-type would have emerged in the next five years? Well, now we'll never know because the auto companies won't bother to try discovering them.

It was completely and utterly foolish to think we could coast by for so long being a solely service based economy. At some point, we need to produce something if we want to close the deficit. There are only so many services you can export before other countries realize they're idiots for paying for it. I know, I know, I've been training my whole life to enter a service industry too. I would also rather not switch my career aspirations over to a labor-intensive industry. There is some good news, but this may come off as politically incorrect: A few years ago, this country was packed with laborers willing to do our labor for us, only at the price of allowing them to live here. Unfortunately for us, after extensive racist efforts to kick them out, and driving our economy into the ground, that opportunity might be long past us. People seem to forget that in creating a company that sells tangible goods after producing them also creates a ton of other jobs as a result. Only about 5-10% of the jobs within that firm would be filled by laborers. The rest of the employees can be as lazy as you want them to be. Whether these other jobs be filled with managers, marketers, salespeople, accountants, HR, and the list goes on and on. So if you just allow a few [possibly "illegal"] employees into the organization, you can create less labor-intensive jobs for everyone else. Let's just hope they're not too offended when we ask them if they want to join our country when we realize we have no other options...

Everything he says about interest rates is true and has been true for a long time. I raised my hand in my microeconomics class in high school asking how our economy could possibly afford such low interest rates in the long term and my teacher's answer ended at "that's for the Fed to worry about." When I began arguing with her that you can't give away what you don't have in the first place, she got mad at me for disrupting her lecture and asked me to leave. I also threw my textbook and raised my voice during that argument, so that might have had something to do with it, too.

It's really too bad that all those who have been smart in the past and saved their money are going to suffer when value of our American dollar plummets. It will feel a lot like getting completely robbed.

"Meanwhile, by propping up all the industries and companies that need to fail, we're preventing companies, that need to expand and are growing, from hiring those people." THANK YOU, PETER SCHIFF. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PUTTING MY THOUGHTS INTO SUCH ELOQUENT WORDS. I have failed to do so for so long, and maybe that's why no one has ever believed me. Deep down, I truly hope you're wrong about hyperinflation and our economy spiraling downward into the abyss. Yet part of me wants both of us to be right just to say "I TOLD YOU SO."

PS: I don't actually hope we're right. You've got a great track record, though.

Case Competitions

2009-06-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Today at GrouperEye, we're all busy at work trying to effectively increase membership on the site. As a student, I know how tricky it can be for websites to convince us that it's worthwhile to offer our information and create an account. In order to get people to make that leap of faith, it requires a damn good product, and a promise to not spam. At GrouperEye, we've got both.

There are two Case Competitions posted at GrouperEye right now seeking any suggestions available to increase membership and launch a solid promotion campaign for the site. As a firm that prides itself on the idea that students can provide the best solutions possible to the problems of companies, we're putting our money where our mouth is. If you think you've figured out the best approach that GrouperEye should consider, challenge yourself. Submit a solution to the case and show us what you've got. There could be a cool hundred bucks and an internship in it for you. What's the worst that can happen?

A Historic Day

2009-06-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

I've never written a blog before, and I have to admit...I'm a little nervous. I always just assumed that no one cares enough about my life to read about what I have to say. I guess this will be the litmus test for that theory.

My name is Chris Veasey. I am a rising Senior at American University, in the Kogod School of Business. I am in the Pi Kappa Phi Fraternity Theta Eta Chapter, I host a late night talk show called "AU DeRailed," and I work as an Event Coordinator in the Kogod Center for Career Development. I'm happy to say, that this summer looks rather exciting for me. As some of my activities from during the school year will be on hiatus until late August, I've taken on an internship for the summer with a startup firm known as GrouperEye. As I sit in the rented space of another company's office, along with two of my four co-workers of the company, staring at a whiteboard for hours deciding the perfect means of pitching this innovative product...I know EXACTLY why I'm here. For those of you who are familiar with my mundane sarcastic antics, rest assured that the last sentence was a completely genuine statement (as is this one).

We are all crammed into this small room trying to fix a long-broken problem in HR: Recruitment. Luckily, I think we've found the key. Unfortunately, we still don't know where that key fits, but we're working really hard on that. Take a typical hiring process: Company posts a job, applicant submits a resume, the resume gets lost in a sea of unqualified applicants leaving motivated students feeling dejected and confused. Companies overlook hardworking individuals on a daily basis. I don't know who thought the solution to shoddy recruiting for companies is creating websites that serve as a bridge for thousands of people to blast resumes, but let's just say I hope that someone has spit in his burger. The solution is creating a medium for companies to build long standing relationships with job applicants; one that makes the process easier for students and employers alike.

There aren't just fallacies on the applicant side, either. Employers hire hundreds of thousands of employees each year who simply are not right for the job. In the Armageddon of outrageous turnover costs, firms have been scratching their heads for years as to why they can't seem to find the talent they are looking for. The fact is there has been a missing link in the equation for too long. It's pretty simple: Outstanding Resume + Adequate Cover Letter + Good Writing Sample + X = Job Offer. The problem is, every career website out there has been ignoring the X. Not just ignoring it, but not even bothering to figure out what it is.

Finally, that's where GrouperEye steps in. GrouperEye.com is a revolutionary platform that allows you to hire better-suited young people because you know them. GrouperEye has discovered the X: the ability to tackle tasks relevant to each respective company. The website provides effective solutions to this missing link. The benefit for students is the ability to submit to case competitions with all the clients of GrouperEye in order to show these firms what they're really capable of. Cash prizes are distributed to the top three competitors. In addition to this, students can upload resumes, join the talent pools of employers, apply for jobs, and most importantly, establish relationships with companies and truly stand out. Companies who have signed up with GrouperEye can post cases and contests for students to compete in, build up a talent pool of applicants with the ability to filter applicants, post positions, and easily keep in contact with all students interested in working with the company. Of course, there is an ultimate benefit of seeing the skills of applicants firsthand, and being much more confident in hiring decisions.

It is very early in the process, but we are all very enthusiastic here at GrouperEye. The company consists of an intelligent and creative team of individuals who are dedicated to changing the job application process forever. Honestly, I think this website will provide a major advantage to anyone who is open-minded enough to give it a shot. I strongly recommend checking it out:

www.groupereye.com

Thank you for reading my blog, I hope I'm not addicted. I'll try to keep it as interesting as possible, and as with anything I ever do, feedback is always appreciated. Good day to you all.